ripping away the old

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I posted this to someone’s wall, someone who is going through a difficult time with leaving their home behind and creating a new life in a new space. At the time it was posted I gave little true thought to my words beyond truly believing them.

The universe laughed at my trite sentiments. Something in the cosmos said, “you need to live these words, feel these words, know these words”

Twelve years ago I bought me parents home, converted their two car garage into a home for my self and me sons and there I’ve lived ever since. Much has gone on during those years

The boys grew up

My parents passed

I housed homeless teenagers in the main house for years (another story for a different day)

I hated that house. There were good reasons, bad reasons, painful reasons and silly ones. Rarely did I enter that house. It is almost as though I blamed the house for my situation, for the problems of dealing with elderly parents, for the choices I made that didn’t serve.

During a meditation the thought came that the only way to release all this hate and negativity was to  live in the house. On a practical level the house is 1400 sf versus the 800 sf of my converted garage  cottage and the garage cottage is suitable as a rental.

Rent money would be good.

Over the past two months there have been contractors painting and fixing and putting me so far in debt it’s staggering. In the meantime my son and I have been cleaning and getting rid of the remains of my parents stuff as well as the stuff left behind by a legion of homeless teenagers.

I have cried and sobbed and raged and felt utter engulfed by the weight of my life’s choices.

I am ripping away the old. I am taking responsibility for the actions that put me in this place at this time.

I am forgiving the house, no I am apologizing to the house for accusing it wrongly. It’s just house, it’s not malevolent, it harbors no  spirits, it’s just wood and metal and a composite of materials put together to protect those living it from the elements.

Maybe someday if all goes well it will be my home. Maybe when I move into it I can not only learn to love this  house but also learn to forgive myself for poor life choices.

Then it will be my magical castle,

my tiny Zen palace.

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